Thoughts On First Contact

I have had much time for contemplation and meditation while cleaning and repairing the shuttlecraft. I had discovered some time ago, to my dismay, that Felis Catus’ habit of clandestine urination had severely damaged my ship. I am most displeased with Felis Catus, and we have had a long discussion about why that behavior is unacceptable. I have successfully dismantled most of the ship’s systems, and with a thorough washing, I hope that they may be reassembled and functional again. In the meantime, I have made a list regarding how possible First Contact situations between Earth and the major Alpha and Beta quadrant species might go.

Cardassia- It is my belief that the Cardassians would enslave the human population of Earth and commence strip mining the planet as they have done with many others.

Klingons- The Klingons would blast Earth into a smoking ruin and fly away laughing because it was easy.

Romulus- I am fairly certain that the Romulans would beam every drop of good wine onto their supply ships, along with Earth’s art treasures, jewels, one hundred of the best looking women, and 5,000 cute cats they saw in Earth videos. They would then declare Earth conquered and part of the Romulan Star Empire. They would return again soon for more.

Ferenginar- Perhaps the most unfortunate fate for humanity. The Ferengi would kidnap all the women and leave Earth men wandering around in rags and paying rent to live on their own planet.

Thus, I believe that only Vulcans should be present at first contact, and I shall henceforth send my recommendation to the Vulcan High Command.

Day 8

I have completed the first part of my online surveillance of humanity. Felis Catus was correct. They are obsessed with non-procreative sex. I have become concerned with my own safety, and resolve to conceal upon my person a phaser set on stun, in case I should encounter a miseducated male. Felis Catus pointed out to me that fully five percent of internet traffic relates to domestic felines, and purports that a revolution is at hand, whereupon felines will be worshiped as gods once again as they were in Ancient Egypt. When I expressed my doubts, she introduced me to a friend of hers- Mr. Fluffy, who claims to be worshiped.

Turkish Angora

While I concur that her friend is quite handsome, I do not agree with their illogical conclusion that felines are deities. Nor do I condone their continued animosity with Canis Familiaris. Despite Canis Familiaris’ over exuberance and excretory non-discrimination, I have found canine companionship to be acceptable. Felis Catus argued this position most vehemently, and wished me to take note that while canines are quite companionable to humanoids while alone, they are a different quality altogether when working in concert. She explained to me that canine psychology is all about social position within the pack, and all canine behavior revolves around this purpose. Canines believe humans to be part of their pack, often pack leaders, and canines routinely try to divest felines of their purported divinity, assigning them positions within the pack relative to their size. Felis Catus and her friend, Mr. Fluffy, informed me that no cat anywhere would stand for that. I have resolved that this domestic issue requires further investigation, and that the viewpoints of Canis Familiaris and Felis Catus on humanity shall prove valuable. I shall continue my online investigations of human social constructs and begin my first forays out of the wilderness and into civilization within the next few days.

Day 7

Today I made a very enthusiastic new friend- Canis Familiaris.

Canis Familiaris was most eager to make my acquaintance, and to inquire if I had any edibles. As I do not partake of flesh foods and have been eating only plomeet soup from the replicator, I had nothing to share. This did not discourage Canis Familiaris in the slightest, who then suggested that we should have “fun.” This fun proved to be me throwing a stick repeatedly while Canis Familiaris searched for it in the shrubbery and proudly returned the same stick. After approximately an hour’s worth of this entertainment, at which time I was ready to cease, Canis Familiaris resorted to begging for additional “fun.” The next canine pastime was running around in circles, of which I did not partake. Vulcans do not dance, and we certainly do not run around in circles. I attempted to explain this to Canis Familiaris, and found his comprehension to be somewhat limited. Disappointed, he resumed his requests for food. I repeated my earlier response, and though momentarily disappointed, Canis Familiaris’ enthusiasm for spending time together was undaunted, and I was once again presented with the throwing stick. When I attempted to query him about his knowledge of humanity, I received only short descriptions of “food,” and “fun.” His capacity for analysis seems somewhat limited, although he was quite preoccupied with his presumed position in “the pack.” I admit to being somewhat relieved when we heard a human voice, at which time Canis Familiaris informed me that he had to “go home.” He then ran away towards the voice.

When I informed Felis Catus of my meeting, she was most unsupportive of this new friendship, and threatened to send me to a place called Hell if I allowed any canines in the shuttlecraft. I assured her that no visitors of any species would be allowed into the shuttlecraft at any time, due to the secrecy of my mission, the undesirability of anyone viewing or touching the equipment, and the very limited space within the shuttlecraft. I have found Felis Catus to be a most demanding roommate.

Day 6

Earth has many fascinating life forms to observe. Today while meditating I observed a large gastropod consume part of an Amanita Muscaria.

When I returned to the shuttlecraft, I began to research this fascinating species of fungus. Apparently humanity has a long and colorful history of coevolution with mycological life forms and this species in particular. Abundant throughout the temperate climates of Europe and North America, humans have utilized this inedible though highly decorative species for a variety of dubious applications, including inducing a berserker state in ancient warriors. Poisonous, it nonetheless appears in children’s stories and on cookware. I cannot help but speculate upon the deeper implications of this. I shall forego sampling all amanitas, although I remain alert for the presence of other edible species. While I am also curious as to the mental state of the gastropod which consumed a large portion of said amanita, in comparison to its body size, I have no desire to mind meld with it, as it emitted an especially adhesive substance.

Day 5

I spent most of yesterday setting up a subspace channel to the Vulcan science vessel I left in orbit around an adjacent system. Since humans currently have no subspace technology, I do not anticipate my transmissions being intercepted. Of far more difficulty is penetrating the heavy cloud cover. Not only are subspace transmissions blocked by substantial concentrations of water vapor in the atmosphere, but this area seems to experience massive amounts of precipitation, which interfered with my observations of humanity via their satellite communications. I am deeply concerned by the preponderance of sexually oriented material on the internet. I wonder how humans have time for anything else. It is no wonder that they have yet to develop warp capability if the entire population is engaged in or obsessed with sex instead of more useful pursuits. It is most illogical for any species to be so overly concerned with non-procreative copulation. When I expressed my surprise to my roommate, Felis Catus, she responded with uncharacteristic mirth. “That’s all they do,” she laughed, “And you haven’t seen anything yet.” Indeed. I plan to begin my observations of humanity by continuing my online research and telepathically interviewing their companion species, Felis Catus and Canis Familiaris. Curiously, humans’ companion species are quite telepathic, while humans are not. 

Day 4

While out walking, I found a perfect place to meditate.

Having completed my morning meditation, I walked back to the shuttlecraft and proceeded to begin recording my log. Felis Catus is most unhelpful in this regard, and insists upon stepping upon the equipment. She had successfully deleted several files before I could remove the animal from the shuttlecraft. I explained to Felis Catus that tampering with my equipment was unacceptable, but was met with only sullen silence. 

It was then that I met two more humans. Two young male humans dressed too finely for the rustic environment approached the disguised shuttlecraft, and asked me if I had time to talk. Since my purpose here is to observe humanity, I set aside my disagreement with Felis Catus and informed the two humans that I would enjoy a conversation. What followed was a fascinating dialogue concerning human belief systems. They were quite convinced that a benevolent deity was actively promoting their welfare, and urged me to seek out this benefaction for myself. I was intrigued, and inquired as to what proof they had of this deity’s existence and involvement. To this effect, they produced a book, and urged me to read it. I agreed, as this reading material no doubt possesses valuable insights as to the mental state of humans. They were overjoyed at my acceptance of their gift, and invited me to join them at their house of worship. I told them that I would carefully consider the invitation, and also inquired as to the accepted dress code, as I knew removing my hat would reveal my Vulcan features. They were somewhat vague, and stated that I should wear whatever I felt was “reverent.” I am unsure as to what this might mean. However, this opportunity to study human religion would be very valuable to my research. I am also intrigued at the possibility of meeting some sort of deity- or perhaps a member of the Q continuum. If so, I must take all necessary precautions regarding such beings, and attempt to discover the purpose of involvement. I noted during our conversation a great deal of feline laughter, although the humans seemed not to notice. The young humans then inquired if they could return to visit again at a later date, and I agreed. They then suggested that we pray together, which I discovered was a type of group meditation whereupon the participants thank their deity for benevolence and request further aid. I found this manner of group meditation to be quite intriguing, and I believe this will be a fascinating study.

After the young humans’ departure, I inquired of Felis Catus what had been so humorous. Perhaps in a futile attempt to annoy me, Felis Catus only laughed harder.  Eventually, upon being pressed for an explanation, Felis Catus confided that in Ancient Egypt, cats had been revered, and worshiped as gods. Felines expected this arrangement to continue indefinitely, and a great many were outraged at their perceived modern shabby treatment. I informed Felis Catus that I while I would be her friend, I was not going to worship her.  Felis Catus appeared disgruntled with this explanation, and disappeared for the rest of the afternoon, allowing me to retrieve the files and begin my study of the reading material. 

Day 3

Logically, the first thing to do was to acquaint myself with the environment. Learning the local plants, which are edible and which are not, as well as what animal life might be present would be prudent. I had not traveled far from my shuttlecraft when I observed my first human- an adult male in the company of a very small canine. At first the canine behaved aggressively, running up to me and behaving in a threatening manner. Since the beast was approximately the size of my shoe, I did not feel any clear or present danger from it.

Indeed, the canine seemed to have an oversized sense of not only its own importance but the damage it seemed to think it could inflict. The human shouted repeatedly at the canine, who seemed to ignore him completely. Thus, the human male approached closer until he was within conversational distance, whereupon he continued to issue loud commands at the canine, which continued to ignore him. I informed the animal that it had nothing to fear, and that I was not a threat. This seemed to calm it slightly, although its energy level remained high. However, its demeanor changed from aggressive to overly friendly, perhaps because of the increasingly close proximity of the attendant human, who whereupon introduced himself, and apologized for the animal’s rudeness. A short conversation ensued, which seemed to contain sexual overtones. Since my role here is purely that of an observer, I eventually felt it necessary to state my lack of interest and excuse myself.