I have had much time for contemplation and meditation while cleaning and repairing the shuttlecraft. I had discovered some time ago, to my dismay, that Felis Catus’ habit of clandestine urination had severely damaged my ship. I am most displeased with Felis Catus, and we have had a long discussion about why that behavior is unacceptable. I have successfully dismantled most of the ship’s systems, and with a thorough washing, I hope that they may be reassembled and functional again. In the meantime, I have made a list regarding how possible First Contact situations between Earth and the major Alpha and Beta quadrant species might go.
Cardassia- It is my belief that the Cardassians would enslave the human population of Earth and commence strip mining the planet as they have done with many others.
Klingons- The Klingons would blast Earth into a smoking ruin and fly away laughing because it was easy.
Romulus- I am fairly certain that the Romulans would beam every drop of good wine onto their supply ships, along with Earth’s art treasures, jewels, one hundred of the best looking women, and 5,000 cute cats they saw in Earth videos. They would then declare Earth conquered and part of the Romulan Star Empire. They would return again soon for more.
Ferenginar- Perhaps the most unfortunate fate for humanity. The Ferengi would kidnap all the women and leave Earth men wandering around in rags and paying rent to live on their own planet.
Thus, I believe that only Vulcans should be present at first contact, and I shall henceforth send my recommendation to the Vulcan High Command.
I have completed the first part of my online surveillance of humanity. Felis Catus was correct. They are obsessed with non-procreative sex. I have become concerned with my own safety, and resolve to conceal upon my person a phaser set on stun, in case I should encounter a miseducated male. Felis Catus pointed out to me that fully five percent of internet traffic relates to domestic felines, and purports that a revolution is at hand, whereupon felines will be worshiped as gods once again as they were in Ancient Egypt. When I expressed my doubts, she introduced me to a friend of hers- Mr. Fluffy, who claims to be worshiped.
While I concur that her friend is quite handsome, I do not agree with their illogical conclusion that felines are deities. Nor do I condone their continued animosity with Canis Familiaris. Despite Canis Familiaris’ over exuberance and excretory non-discrimination, I have found canine companionship to be acceptable. Felis Catus argued this position most vehemently, and wished me to take note that while canines are quite companionable to humanoids while alone, they are a different quality altogether when working in concert. She explained to me that canine psychology is all about social position within the pack, and all canine behavior revolves around this purpose. Canines believe humans to be part of their pack, often pack leaders, and canines routinely try to divest felines of their purported divinity, assigning them positions within the pack relative to their size. Felis Catus and her friend, Mr. Fluffy, informed me that no cat anywhere would stand for that. I have resolved that this domestic issue requires further investigation, and that the viewpoints of Canis Familiaris and Felis Catus on humanity shall prove valuable. I shall continue my online investigations of human social constructs and begin my first forays out of the wilderness and into civilization within the next few days.
I spent most of yesterday setting up a subspace channel to the Vulcan science vessel I left in orbit around an adjacent system. Since humans currently have no subspace technology, I do not anticipate my transmissions being intercepted. Of far more difficulty is penetrating the heavy cloud cover. Not only are subspace transmissions blocked by substantial concentrations of water vapor in the atmosphere, but this area seems to experience massive amounts of precipitation, which interfered with my observations of humanity via their satellite communications. I am deeply concerned by the preponderance of sexually oriented material on the internet. I wonder how humans have time for anything else. It is no wonder that they have yet to develop warp capability if the entire population is engaged in or obsessed with sex instead of more useful pursuits. It is most illogical for any species to be so overly concerned with non-procreative copulation. When I expressed my surprise to my roommate, Felis Catus, she responded with uncharacteristic mirth. “That’s all they do,” she laughed, “And you haven’t seen anything yet.” Indeed. I plan to begin my observations of humanity by continuing my online research and telepathically interviewing their companion species, Felis Catus and Canis Familiaris. Curiously, humans’ companion species are quite telepathic, while humans are not.
Upon returning to my disguised shuttlecraft, I found a small feline waiting for me. This small feline informed me that she would be staying with me, and would provide free advice for the duration of my visit. I found these terms acceptable. Upon questioning Felis Catus on how she knew that I was there, she responded that no cat is ever fooled by appearances, unlike human beings, who see what they want to see. I anticipate that her advice may well be invaluable. After our initial meeting, I was presented with a small token of our new friendship- a deceased rodent. I informed Felis Catus that I am a vegetarian, and as such do not partake of flesh foods. Although Felis Catus was initially offended, I believe this arrangement will work out well, since there will be no disagreement as to whose provisions belong to whom. Also, Felis Catus has no personal belongings to clutter up the interior of my already limited space inside the shuttlecraft.